good, bad, ugly---more fat than ugly

yesterday was hard. yesterday was rough. i wouldn't say it sucked. there wasn't anything BAD exactly that happened. i did cry. a lot. alone. on the phone. while text messaging. needless to say, i left my office door shut most of the day.

i haven't written much here and i'm not sure why. i guess in a way i didn't want to complain. or rant or worry. or just write sappy happy stuff. WHY NOT? i dunno. in a way i've just been floating through. trying NOT to think about time. enjoying repeat good news.

my 30 week appointment was monday. and it was fine news. my blood pressures are up a bit. my feet were swollen. my weight was fine (she said) and no proteins were found in my urine samples (TMI but all things they are looking for and mean SICK! STRAIGHT TO HOSPITAL!). the REALLY good news is that the baby is growing perfectly. heart beat was great. the tougher news was....well...reality.

i've been trying to get my doctor to pin down a delivery date. she wants to induce me about 37 or 38 weeks and i need to know a day. she said something like "Well, we can pencil that in but you probably won't make it that far." wha? wha? WHAT? she hadn't talked like that this entire time. i asked her if my BPs made her worry. No. Any other data that suggests i couldn't make it that far. not really. WELL?! it's just facts. the baby can come at any time. on the flip side, the baby could have come at any time up until this point. and she hasn't snug as a bug in my belly. and healthy. and growing. and i'm FINE. no, i'm VERY HEALTHY. so i need to chill.... but when your doctor says something like "tell your in-laws to buy an open ended plane ticket. the baby could be here at any time," you get a little....sensitive.

then of course i had to tell mike this stuff. then my mom. then sit and stew and feel my feet swelling. and worry. about nothing. and everything. i couldn't even send out my little up date email to family yesterday. i kept getting too emotional thinking about her being here earlier. so this morning i thought my best "Pollyanna" thoughts and typed this out:

Hi family!

I think I speak for Mike, too, when I say....WE CAN HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING. This little girl will be here in two short months!

Monday was my 30 week doctors appointment. Next week I do all my pre-registration at the hospital. Starting February 22 I will go once a week until she is born for check ups and ultrasounds. And between now and then we've signed up for many, MANY classes. We're pretty much cramming for the test. Ha! Luckily, we have a lot of good teachers, coaches and cheerleaders in all of you!

I'm feeling round as a house but the doctor says my weight gain looks fine. All tests on me came back clear and good. My blood pressure is starting to get a bit higher but nothing that the doctor is concerned about. Just usual third trimester stuff and I'll be watching it at home. Putting my feet up a little more and trying, as Mike tells me often, to "take it easy." She said the baby's heartbeat was great and her growth is spot on. There was good news all around.

I did try to nail down what my delivery date might be. As I mentioned in past emails, my doctor thinks the safe thing to do is go ahead and induce me about 38 weeks. She's starting to get pretty frank as we get closer to the end and she let me know that truly the baby could come any time. I guess that's true for other pregnancies, too, but certainly with my medical history this is just fact. They're watching us both closely and still are looking towards that 37/38 week mark (looking at April 1, 2, or 5)----but don't be surprised if you have to hop a plane or a train sooner to see us.

Until then, please keep up the warm papoose thoughts for Natalie Claire. We want her to stay inside and cook as long as possible!

We love you all!
-Leah

And this is all true. And I believe it. and I'm feeling much better today mentally. I do however, worry about my extremities. Excuse my while I prop my feet on a trash can.

besos.

treat yourself

work has been crazy busy with, no joke, four major projects launching in march and april which means tons of pre-work between now and then. (i have a human due to arrive in april. no pressure.) that is on top of my normal day-to-day work of managing media requests, pitching stories and opportunities my boss and others come up with that i need to pursue. let's not mention the two non-profit boards i'm serving on that have a bit of maintenance. on one hand, i'm glad for the responsibilities. i'd rather be busy than bored. needed than taking up an office. on the other, some days i need a little...reward. for what? doing my JOB? i know...i know...i rationalize with myself all the time.

why do we think we deserve a treat? a reward? a little something to distract us or take the edge off. a drink out with a friend. dinner out with my husband. maybe a pedicure. go shopping for a new little something. but those treats add up. a dinner out with drinks can near $100. and then wishing you had that $100 later is stressful. is a treat really ever stress free? am i a total weirdo for thinking this way?

and then there are "treats" and the things you can justify as "needs." i can't paint my toes as well as the little asian ladies. and i NEED my toes to look good to wear with work shoes. it's PROFESSIONAL to have well kept hands and feet. and a $30 pedicure at some strip mall is a better value than a $50 at a spa. so i'm actually SAVING money, right?

a $4 latte is mostly milk. dairy. calcium that is healthy for me. GOOD for the baby. and i can get decaf. i can't get decaf coffee at work. and they make me happy. so $4 a few times a week to be happy and healthy is good, right? i'll throw in a slice lemon pound cake for good measure.

see what i mean. you do all these things you've justified as needed. and add "treats" on top of that. it's a bad cycle. especially financially.

i don't know where i'm going with this. mainly that i'm paranoid. really worried about money. i have everything i need and can get anything i want. even deal with unexpected house improvements or car maintenance....within reason. do i know how we're going to pay for day care and health insurance for the baby. i don't. i mean we will. but take THAT money out of the balance i'm already stressing about. and i stress more. it will all be fine.

so i guess the way lately (without alcohol) i've been coping with stress is treating myself with food. not like "YES! a gallon of ice cream all for me!" but selecting something thoughtfully to prepare. not an average weeknight meal, but something more special or unusual. something a bit more time consuming. something that tells the person i'm making it for (me, and hubs i guess) that i care. ingredients that are simple but wonderful.

this friday, for instance, i made a delicious homemade tomato sauce and pasta. not rocket science or life changing but really, really delicious. the kind of sauce where you see the hunks of tomatoes and the fresh herbs. no unpronounceable ingredients. no sugar. (WHY do all canned sauces taste like candy!?) simple, cheap ingredients. this recipe called for some arugula, almost like a spicy spinach, and an ingredient i never buy. you wilt it in with the pasta and sauce at the end and it made such a notable, special 'kick.' at whole foods i browsed their little sample sized "try me" cheese bins and was able to get a small, affordable hunk of pecorino cheese with black truffle. sliced over the hot pasta....wow.

to that a great loaf of bread sliced, sprinkled with olive oil, chunky salt, pepper and oregano. pantry items that elevated a slice of white bread to deliciousness times ten.

and on these nights when i want to do something...more...i like to make dessert. we weren't a dessert every night house growing up so i've always thought dessert to be something really special. i'd been eying this apple galette recipe at bonappetite.com for a while BECAUSE of its simplicity. butter, flour, water and you have crust. a bit of jelly, some apples covered in sugar and you're done! seriously, the only thing i had to buy was the apples. and yet this glorious looking pastry comes out of the oven. i planned to serve a slice warm with a dollop of ice cream (a new pregnancy freezer staple) but it never made it that far. hubs and i ate it off the sheet pan all night.

i'm not saying all this to say "i'm so badass"---NO. rather, i NEED to be distracted. i NEED to reward myself sometimes for what i consider a week of work well done. of dealing with life. i'm sure this summer i'll be back to rewarding myself with half a bottle of wine. when i can see my feet again, a new pair of shoes might be a treat. i'll keep getting pedicures. but the most affordable, and i'll even say the most rewarding "treat" i've been giving myself lately....and hopefully my husband enjoys the benefits to...is thinking about and enjoying a lovingly prepared dish. not caviar. noodles with sauce. not creme brulee (though i'm not opposed). apples in dough.

you should probably tell me...how do you treat yourself affordably? do you have someone that gives you a foot rub (jealous)....does taking a run alone sooth you? or does a big bowl of chips and queso make your day? i'm looking for ways to make myself feel special and rewarded....and preferable spending very little money.

thanks for reading my brainwaves. besos.

the final countdown

It's hard to believe today was our -26 week- checkup! Yes, you heard me. We're basically in third trimesterland, folks.

The funny thing is I've been saying that I'm 26 weeks along for about four weeks now....a LITTLE too excited. It just feels like April will be here any day...and my tum gets bigger and bigger. I remember I once had feet....I hope they're still down there.

All my vitals looked great today and the baby's heartbeat was perfect. In two weeks we'll do another ultrasound (get to see her, yeah!) and some standard 28 week tests like checking for diabetes and a few others. No reason to think everything shouldn't be a-ok. I know it sounds silly just to tell you "good appointment," but EVERY good appointment is SUCH a relief. Even my doctor today said, "You're at 26 weeks! This is great! The baby is viable and anything that happens after now will have such a good chance at a healthy outcome." It was nice of her to say that because I've been thinking it. Had to get past 25 weeks. And we did it! And I feel so good. Seriously, the best back rub ever.....the best tasting food...the best hug....nothing feels like this kind of good.

As many of you can tell, I've been a bit more chatty about the pregnancy on Facebook (oops) because of the confidence and health I feel. It feels nice, NORMAL, to be excited. To be okay with people giving me baby gifts. Making plans. Thinking about names and nurseries. I also mean this will all sensitivity.....I have such brave, beautiful friends and family members who are struggling with trying to get pregnant or health issues and I in no way mean to be insensitive in my joy. In fact, I hope my tentative and new found excitedness is in some way a little glimmer of something good for them to see. You CAN go through hard times, be miserable, be mad, no, ANGRY, at your circumstances. And you can come back and have a perfectly normal situation that in no way crosses out the past experiences...but shows you just how strong, brave, loved and thankful you can be. I hope that made sense....

The most exciting news of the day was that my doctor suggested I plan to deliver at about 38 weeks. The little girl will be to term and fully cooked and this will help avoid any complications that could pop up due to my health history. I, for one, am great with this. I know many people have thoughts on inducing labor. But in a weird way, it's something I feel a little more familiar with. They did it last time and I know what the process is like and what those contractions feel like. What I don't know is if it puts stress on the baby---I guess not too much or they wouldn't suggest it? I like the idea of so much attention. I like the idea of no 2 a.m. rush to the hospital and not wondering if it's time to go or not. I know this may seem to take some of the "magic" out of childbirth....but ya know what? I like to plan. I like to have a bit of control and know what to expect. And I think this will take HUGE relief off Mike who does not care for stressful situations or surprises. What is more stressful or surprise-ful than your wife's water breaking at Lowes or something? :)

So, we're looking at this kiddo coming sometime the week of April 5. WOW. I know that's only two weeks earlier but it seems SO SOON. Also in the middle of about three work projects. Also the same week as our anniversary. Also still trying to find daycare and fit in childbirth classes and, ya know, decorating a room for this kid and naming it. But I couldn't be more excited.

Thank you, friends, for your sweet words and thoughts.

Besos.

happy day

it has seemed like far longer than two weeks since i last saw my doctor and even longer than the four since i saw my little girlie. so today was a huge relief--got to do both! finally i have a good profile of her and not just an alien-ish-but-i-love-her-anyway shot. very cute if i do say so. (the bright white dot is my camera flash.)

she is measuring right on schedule at almost 25 weeks and weighs just over about 1.5 pounds. i feel so, so, SO lucky to have a good report back from the doctor saying all her ultrasound pics look good (they checked her heart, kidneys and brain closer today and were looking for a good profile pic). also, my vitals were perfect. good blood pressure, zero protein in urine. she didn't mention any problems with my weight but i seem to be gaining about a pound a so a week. nothing to worry about. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. such a relief.

i have so many good friends and wonderful family rooting for us and our little baby. it really makes all the difference to have that kind of support through good times and hard times. i'm hoping i am the kind of friend, daughter, sister and wife that give back the same.

dreaming of a full house

Each year i dream of hosting elaborate holiday parties. last year was maybe the closest. Not elaborate, but fun and festive and fairly well attended nonetheless. And one day I'd love to hold a New Years Eve dinner party. Eat at about 9 p.m. with a table full of friends reminiscing about the year. Countdown together at midnight. Or maybe a New Years day brunch. I blame my excessive magazine and blog reading on this compulsion to entertain. I guess it's in my genes a bit, too. My mom catered when I was younger, even had a little sandwich shop in the town where I grew up for a few years. So I saw a lot of the details and planning that went in to good food and happy people. And that's all I want. Not to be told "so delicious" but that people have a good time and know they can expect that when coming to see me. High expectations for myself, non?

Anyway, knowing the holiday season is jam packed and with budgets a bit tighter the hubs and I decided having a few people over to just hang out would be a better use of time than planning a big bash...and fighting for a weekend to host it. Holiday parties are competitive....and people are having annual parties now. Yowza.

I decided to go easy and comforting and serve soup as the main dish. I made a pasta soup that I love more than most things and a potato, that I sort of came up with, and wasn't as pleased with. The pasta soup was a hit (and SOOO easy). The recipe is here.

I always feel the need to have nibbles. I was pleased with the sugar and spiced nuts I made but more so with the candied nuts. I made some puff pastry cheese twists that were new and I won't be making again. Wish I would have gone with these gems instead. Olives were more for my benefit (obsessed!) and some summer sausage cut up. Wish I would have gone with prosciutto ham instead as really I was the only nibbler. I swear I could exist on appetisers.

Dessert also seemed to be a success. Chocolate peppermint cake balls (I use THIS philosophy and make up new balls when I feel creative) and salted carmel cheesecake which I can not say enough good things about. It was my first attempt at cheesecake and came out without a hitch.

We played board games, laughed, shut things down after midnight. It was the best night I've had in a long time. Goes to show sometimes you just need the right people there (even a handful) to make it a good night.

But I'm still holding on to my dream of hosting a massive backyard Mexican fiesta... :)

Please take a moment and look how GORGEOUS the new Banana Republic holiday dresses are (I think you can click on the photo below). Seriously people, I have reverse body dismorphia. In my head I'm always a size 8 instead of a size 18 (not really, but ya know, feels like it) and WISH so HARD I had one of these to rock this season. I know there are cute(ish) maternity stuffs out there but who wants to invest in that. Not I.

So please, let me live vicariously through you. Go buy something adorable and short with some tall ass heels and tell me all about it. In the meantime, I'll keep wearing the tall ass heels.....with stretchy jeans....and I'll buy something red. Or glittery...for good measure.

werd.

yikes

i'm lucky to know a nurse practitioner who has a background in all things prenatal because today, well, starting last night, i was concerned for my well being.

i was feeling thudding in my lower abdomen. was it the baby kicking? was it trying to get out? was my body rejecting it? was i gassy? it's continued today. and it's distracting. and it makes me want to giggle.

i described all this to my smart friend in an email and she said i was quickening which sounds gross to me but really means the baby is just grooving around. it's so small still it isn't like i feel a bow to the kidney. but it's little stretches and punches are now registering on my uterine muscles. weird.

so i'm glad i'm not a) imaging this or b)having a system failure.

the truth is, from this point on i'm in uncharted waters. i got very sick very quick at about 21 weeks with the last pregnancy. i never felt the baby move. at least nothing like this. i never found out the gender as the baby was under developed. and now i KNOW i'm having a girl. my brain still can't really process this. and even though i had to deliver the baby it was a little tiny thing so while the drugs and hubbub will be familiar the actuality of anything after 5 months, of delivering a full sized kiddo, or then TAKING IT HOME and parenting it is beyond me.

so i'm learning each day now. i'm scared. i'm excited. i'm lucky to have friends who listen, give suggestions, and calm my worries.

besos lovies!